I’ve been feeling pretty bad about myself lately. I used to think that the problems in my life and my personal shortcomings were pretty normal, but on the news I hear nothing but people who have never done anything wrong in their entire lives and have nothing to apologize for. I first thought this was limited to one party, or one group of people, but I’ve since found that politicians on both sides, celebrities, and other people never do anything wrong, ever. That’s why I feel bad.
Fortunately, when I took some time to think about my life, I realized that I’m not a bad guy. In fact, I’m better than all of you! To demonstrate my awesomeness, I’d like to submit the following information:
- I drive an electric car. Yes, I know there’s a lot of “information” about there about the waste that making cars produces, and the emissions from the power plants that generate their electricity. Fake news. The truth is that electric cars are created by God ex nihilo in a cave at the peak of Mt. Fuji, totally devoid of waste. The electricity I use to power my car clearly has no emissions associated with it because who’s ever heard of an electrical plug giving off smoke? Yep, makes me pretty special.
- I didn’t vote for Trump. Since Trump Is Bad, I must be better than the electoral majority that voted for him, right?
- I use open source software. I don’t pay Microsoft or Apple for my software. Nope, I use Linux stuff because I’m awesome and anti-corporate. Plus Google stuff, but since I heard their motto is “Don’t be evil”, that doesn’t count.
- I don’t have Facebook. Just as hipsters in the 90’s and 00’s were better than all of us for not having TV sets, I’m better than the rest of you because I don’t have Facebook. I’m not sure why this is, but I count it as a win.
- I like Rick and Morty. If you don’t get Rick and Morty, there must be something wrong with you! Wubba lubba dub dub!
- I don’t wear socks with sandals. I don’t even own sandals, for that matter! Yeah!
- I recycle cans! That one time when my wife was watching.
- I take mass transit! That one time when I went downtown during a festival or something.
Yep, I’m a pretty special guy! Better than all of you, for that matter!
That’s not to say that you aren’t special, too. I encourage each of you to come up with a list of ways that you’re awesomer than everybody else and share it during family meals. I think you’ll feel a lot better about yourself when you do!