I am a member of Target’s “Bullseye Insiders” focus group. They ask questions once a week or so and I get to respond. This week’s question:
With Target stores virtually everywhere, we want to know:
- Are there certain Target locations you find yourself going to more often?
- Which stores are your favorite?
- Why do you enjoy going to certain Target locations over others?
My favorite Target location is the Beacon Hill Target in Alexandria, VA. Here’s why (and yes, these are all completely true stories):
- One time the manager on duty let me make an announcement over the store loudspeaker. She was not, however, pleased when she found that my announcement was that “Can security please pick up the pantsless man by the cat food?”
- It has groceries now. I used to have to go to a grocery store, but I don’t have to do that anymore. Which is nice, because there’s this checker at our local grocery store with a lazy eye who makes me uncomfortable and now I don’t have to see him anymore.
- One of the other managers is really friendly and taught me a few words in Amharic. I forgot what they were, though.
- One of the checkers is a friend of mine and I taught her how to drive in the Target parking lot last summer. I learned from this experience that it’s extraordinarily difficult to teach an adult to drive.
- Nobody has ever told me to knock it off when I sit on the furniture displays while waiting for my wife.
- The soda machine in the little food section works like, 80% of the time.
- The pharmacists (back when Target still had their own pharmacies) are really cool. One time I was there when somebody from corporate was at the pharmacy ordering people around. I asked the guy at the register if he wanted to see something cool and when he did I demanded to speak to the manager and pointed to the corporate guy. The corporate guy came over and I asked to speak with him privately, in which point I accused the cashier of not giving me accurate information about my medical condition. Of course, he asked me what the condition was, and I told him that there was a tiny man in my ear who yelled mean things and that I just wanted him out. I’ve got to give this poor guy a shoutout: He was very patient with me and did a nice job of telling me to see a psychiatrist without saying anything that could possibly be construed as offensive.
- I like the TV displays because I sometimes have a “TV B Gone” remote that I can use to turn them all off at once. Take that, corporate media!
- My son and I enjoy pressing all of the noisemaking toys at once so it sounds like a child robot uprising.
- I was at Target with a friend of mine and the stockers asked me what I wanted. I told them that I wanted condoms and they told me where they were. I then asked if there were a lot of different types of condoms because (and here I put my arm around my friend) “the little lady and I like to mix it up.” They assured me there were.
- I like the parking lot on the side of Target (the one I taught my friend to drive on) because you can do donuts whenever it snows and nobody gets mad.
- About five years ago I was driving around the back of the store (less traffic) and saw a rotund lady of the evening “engaging” with a sleazy looking guy in a minivan. I gave the guy a thumbs-up and he seemed pleased. I hope he didn’t pay much, though.
- Wicker trinkets! Everywhere in the home section, there are small, seemingly purposeless wicker items on display!
- You guys have a lot of Ball jars. They’re good for preserves. I know most people who have read this far are looking for a punchline, but I don’t have one. It really is nice I don’t have to go somewhere else.
- The loss prevention guy is polite when he detains people. I saw him detain this junkie one time when she tried to steal some electronic thing or another in her shirt. She was ranting about how she was going to go get her boyfriend and they’d come back and wreck the place, but it was all talk. I assume it was, anyway.
Hats off to Beacon Hill Target!