I was building a shed in my backyard, which taught me several things: 1) I’m pretty good at rough carpentry; and 2) My skin and clothing love to pick up stray paint spatters. If you’ve ever built a shed, you know what I mean.
In any case, building a shed gave me lots of time to think, so I figured I’d share these thoughts with you. Please note that these are not words of wisdom or particularly useful information – just stuff I thought of while trying to get the cat to stop putting her paws in a gallon of latex primer.
- There are two types of offroad vehicle owners in this world: Those who drive over speed bumps at 0.01 mph and those who drive over speed bumps at 0.02 mph.
- There are two types of people in this country: People who believe that Donald Trump is evil incarnate and should be crucified and people who believe that the liberal media is trying to portray Trump as evil incarnate and as somebody who should be crucified. Both sides are 100% sure that they’re right.
- When people are leaving their house on vacation, they usually wonder if there’s something they forgot to do. When people are in their last moments of life, do you think they wonder if they forgot to turn off the oven?
- When I was a kid, it was nearly impossible not to get a cat. They were given away in front of the market, people who knew had kittens, and they’d occasionally just show up in the front yard. Now that people are spaying and neutering their cats, it’s a lot harder to get a new cat.
- The best thing about having a pool membership is telling other people you have a pool membership.
- If you celebrate only one religious holiday a year, people won’t bug you about it.
- My life would be a lot simpler if I could buy only five shingles at a time. As it is, I have to buy a huge crate if I want to replace one.
- Location is everything. For example, little kids all like to see dinosaurs at the museum but they’d be horrified if they showed up in their bedroom.
- I filled out a paper that asked me what gender I was “assigned at birth.” I don’t know about you, but I think it would be really cool to be employed as a gender assigner.
- When somebody asks you whether a knife is a tool or a weapon, I think your answer would probably depend on whether you were about to whittle a piece of wood or whittle a puppy.
- I saw a guy today who had an American flag magnet on the back of their truck. Why not a sticker? Is there a possibility that he might decide to become Italian before he sells his truck?
- My family took a trip last weekend and there was a sign flashing in a construction zone that said “WATCH FOR PED.” If I were a kid in that neighborhood, I would be terrified.
Thanks, you’ve been a great audience, don’t forget to tip your bartender.